it was negative.

not sure who i was kidding to think it would work.

maybe im not meant to be a mother.

Nerves are getting the best of me.

I'm nervous. This wait is killing me.

I can't help but think the worst. How do I prepare for the worst? How do I bounce back from this if it isn't positive?

I find myself just laying around in my own thoughts...worrying and freakin' out a bit.

Honestly at this very moment nearly every friend of mine is pregnant. Well, maybe that's an overgeneralization but a lot of them are. My childhood best friend is 8 weeks pregnant, a friend of mine who went through IVF also just found out she is pregnant (yesterday). It's like a slow and painful papercut.

Day After Transfer

Holy shit. It's done -- now we wait.

I'm happy to present our 2 perfect Grade A 8 Celled Embryos. They've moved in to their new home yesterday and we're hoping they find the accommodations adequate enough to stay a few months :).

The doctor that transfered them into my uterus said, "They're perfect, we couldn't have asked for a better outcome. We have to tell you the grade and quality before we transfer them. They are great."

All I can say as for physical feelings: I'm tired. I've slept alright last night but I'm just still tired.

The BETA test date: March 31, 2010

I'm sore, I'm uncomfortable and I'm bruised.

I can't even express how sick I am of getting blood work done. I have to get stuck at least 2 times in order for them to get a vile of blood. I'm so bruised and want this to be over with and I want my baby in my arms...

AND THEY'RE OFF!

It has begun! I gave myself my first injection about 20 minutes ago -- it wasn't bad at all. I barely felt it.

I got a sonogram today as well as a baseline blood work-up. Everything is perfect! I also have 11 follies on my left ovary and 12 on my right ovary. They are all small but they're there!!! The nurse told me that the set-up is going perfect right now. Gave me a great metaphor about what is going on right now, too: "Picture this as a horse race. All the horses are lined up behind the gates. We want all the horses to finish at the same time, but if one or two horses go a little faster that's ok -- but to finish at the same time is what we want." It made sense to me!

I couldn't be any more excited to stab myself with a needle!

SO EXCITED TO STAB ORANGES!

I can't even tell you how excited we are today! Chris and I are beside ourselves because we are going to do the injection teaching class today! This means we begin stim shots tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit!! I can even put in to words how excited I am about this.

It's hilarious because we were told to buy oranges to practice on -- so last night we went to Big Y Supermarket down the road from our house to buy them. I was so meticulous picking my orange out: "This one is to soft, this one is to hard, this one has a bruise, this one has white shit on it..." -- I felt like sleeping beauty picking our her damn bed. I was choosing an orange people -- AN ORANGE! Hahaha! I found the perfect orange to practice with, too. Chris literally was like "Why don't we get a bag of them? We can eat the rest too!"...he's a nut. He chose his orange in like 2 seconds -- he wasn't very choosy hahaha. In the picture my orange is the right one -- can you tell I was going for perfect circumference?

I'm happy today. I'm honestly excited and pretty happy. I think I'll bring my video camera along to the class. Maybe not record the class, but I want to record our thoughts and stuff. I say this now, but I'll probably forget LOL.

Wow I'm so excited to the point my stomach is bubbling up! Remember a few posts ago when I said my stomach is directly affected by my emotions...perfect example!!!

I need the levee to break...

I feel so depressed still. I know the nurse said I'll begin to feel better as the meds get out of my system, but I just need some semblance of relief. Feeling like I'm going to cry all the time is no way to live my life -- at any point. I'm angry too...SO angry for no real tangible reason.

I'm also feeling cabin fever -- I need to get out of this house. I need to go somewhere and just GO. I think I'll take a long drive today. Where to? I don't even know yet...just as long as I keep driving.

There's this place in Vernon, CT that I used to go to when I felt "blah" called Henry Park. It is this thing that looks like a castle that overlooks about 6 towns. You can see so far when it's daylight outside. I went there a lot in High School partially because I went to school 10 minutes from there, and partially because I needed to get that sense of peace in my life. At any rate -- who knows where I'll drive to today...or if I'll even get off this fucking couch.