Nerves are getting the best of me.

I'm nervous. This wait is killing me.

I can't help but think the worst. How do I prepare for the worst? How do I bounce back from this if it isn't positive?

I find myself just laying around in my own thoughts...worrying and freakin' out a bit.

Honestly at this very moment nearly every friend of mine is pregnant. Well, maybe that's an overgeneralization but a lot of them are. My childhood best friend is 8 weeks pregnant, a friend of mine who went through IVF also just found out she is pregnant (yesterday). It's like a slow and painful papercut.

Day After Transfer

Holy shit. It's done -- now we wait.

I'm happy to present our 2 perfect Grade A 8 Celled Embryos. They've moved in to their new home yesterday and we're hoping they find the accommodations adequate enough to stay a few months :).

The doctor that transfered them into my uterus said, "They're perfect, we couldn't have asked for a better outcome. We have to tell you the grade and quality before we transfer them. They are great."

All I can say as for physical feelings: I'm tired. I've slept alright last night but I'm just still tired.

The BETA test date: March 31, 2010

AND THEY'RE OFF!

It has begun! I gave myself my first injection about 20 minutes ago -- it wasn't bad at all. I barely felt it.

I got a sonogram today as well as a baseline blood work-up. Everything is perfect! I also have 11 follies on my left ovary and 12 on my right ovary. They are all small but they're there!!! The nurse told me that the set-up is going perfect right now. Gave me a great metaphor about what is going on right now, too: "Picture this as a horse race. All the horses are lined up behind the gates. We want all the horses to finish at the same time, but if one or two horses go a little faster that's ok -- but to finish at the same time is what we want." It made sense to me!

I couldn't be any more excited to stab myself with a needle!

SO EXCITED TO STAB ORANGES!

I can't even tell you how excited we are today! Chris and I are beside ourselves because we are going to do the injection teaching class today! This means we begin stim shots tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Holy shit!! I can even put in to words how excited I am about this.

It's hilarious because we were told to buy oranges to practice on -- so last night we went to Big Y Supermarket down the road from our house to buy them. I was so meticulous picking my orange out: "This one is to soft, this one is to hard, this one has a bruise, this one has white shit on it..." -- I felt like sleeping beauty picking our her damn bed. I was choosing an orange people -- AN ORANGE! Hahaha! I found the perfect orange to practice with, too. Chris literally was like "Why don't we get a bag of them? We can eat the rest too!"...he's a nut. He chose his orange in like 2 seconds -- he wasn't very choosy hahaha. In the picture my orange is the right one -- can you tell I was going for perfect circumference?

I'm happy today. I'm honestly excited and pretty happy. I think I'll bring my video camera along to the class. Maybe not record the class, but I want to record our thoughts and stuff. I say this now, but I'll probably forget LOL.

Wow I'm so excited to the point my stomach is bubbling up! Remember a few posts ago when I said my stomach is directly affected by my emotions...perfect example!!!

I need the levee to break...

I feel so depressed still. I know the nurse said I'll begin to feel better as the meds get out of my system, but I just need some semblance of relief. Feeling like I'm going to cry all the time is no way to live my life -- at any point. I'm angry too...SO angry for no real tangible reason.

I'm also feeling cabin fever -- I need to get out of this house. I need to go somewhere and just GO. I think I'll take a long drive today. Where to? I don't even know yet...just as long as I keep driving.

There's this place in Vernon, CT that I used to go to when I felt "blah" called Henry Park. It is this thing that looks like a castle that overlooks about 6 towns. You can see so far when it's daylight outside. I went there a lot in High School partially because I went to school 10 minutes from there, and partially because I needed to get that sense of peace in my life. At any rate -- who knows where I'll drive to today...or if I'll even get off this fucking couch.

No sex in the champagne room...or anywhere. No seriously, don't touch me.

As most of you know because I've posted updates via YouTube -- I've been down in the dumps. For the past 2 weeks I've felt nothing but depression, sadness and just plain "blah" with intermittent parts of happiness here and there. The nurse had told me this would happen, but I wasn't to sure on the extent of the depression. I'll tell ya', I would cry at the drop of a hat (never in public) and I want nothing more than to just stay at home and eat and be sad. Thinking that it was the stresses of this journey getting to me -- I'd play along. I'd stick it out.

I called my doctor's office and left a message on the IVF team's voicemail. I asked the nurse to call me back because I had something personal that I was having an issue with and didn't want to leave a voicemail about it. So, Marcia the nurse, called me back later that day. Thankfully I was in my office so I could take the call immediately. I told her my issue and she said "Oh, it's the birth control pills! You're on something called a "mono-phasic" dose as opposed to the normal "tri-phasic" dose that you'd get if you were taking it regularly." She went on to say "You'll feel depressed, cry at any moment, and have no libido." The libido thing was honestly the reason I was calling LOL.

I can't stand the thought of sex. I can't stand the word sex. I don't want to be touched, kissed, or even thought of sexually. Chris is really supportive but he is so fucking sensitive that it drives me up a damn wall sometimes!!! With this it just makes me insane!! We had a long talk 3 nights ago (that prompted the call to my doctor the next day) about why we weren't having sex. Now, it's not that I haven't tried to be interested!! Hell, I've even tried to start my OWN goddamn engine but it's just dead in the water right now. Nada. Zilch. ZERO libido!!! ::sigh::

But, all-in-all the decision was to stop my pill a day early.........ya' that's all the relief I could be offered. I was hoping for some Zanex LMFAO!!! No dice. So, that's cool with me I guess. After tonight I only have 1 more pill to pop and I'm done! Either I'll begin the meds on Thursday or CD2 -- whichever comes first.

Send me some good AF vibes ladies! I need 'em!!!

IBS & "The Pill"

I'm realizing that while I was on Birth Control all those years (from age 15-25) I had stomach issues. Not your normal oh, my stomach hurts issue -- IBS rather. I noticed that when I because very happy, or very sad, very angry...anything that was an exacerbated version of an emotion - my stomach would freak out. It would come out both ends and sometimes at the same friggin' time!!!

Needless to say it was a nightmare in High School.

I knew when my period was coming because I'd be running back and forth to and from the bathroom...I suppose that was the "best" thing about being on birth control. Thinking back at it now I could have skipped the entire BC bullshit to begin with!!! I couldn't have gotten pregnant anyhow!!!!....ugh shit...sad.

In High School though, I'd manage my stomach upsets by smoking a LOT of pot. I'd smoke pot nearly every day a couple times a day. Not only for my stomach because that would help calm it down...but for my sanity. I was the girl that was in every group. I had friends with the pot heads, music kids, jocks, cheer leaders, geeks...yadda yadda yadda. You name it - I was friends with them because I've always been pretty outgoing. I felt most at home with the people that partied a lot though. So...I stuck with it until I met my Husband.

But, that's a whole different story :)

I'm mainly posting today to say that I realize now how much birth control pills effected my life for the past 10 years. I missed out on a lot of things because of my stomach issues. It was really horrible man...really horrible.

For instance:

• For 4 months straight all I could eat was white rice.
• I had to undergo a Colonoscopy and Endoscopy at the same time.
• Went to a nutritionist that put me on a raw food diet.
• Couldn't process raw foods: i.e. Lettuce, uncooked veggies/fruits.
• Had to carry a pad and baby wipes with me at all times for "issues".
• Carried a bag of stomach meds at all times: i.e. Pepto, Mylanta, Immodium (my Best Friend for YEARS!), Gas-X, Nexium, Prilocec, Tagamet.
• Always needed to know where the bathrooms were everywhere - even went to the extent to be seated next to a bathroom "just in case".
• Couldn't go on trips without taking an Immodium before "just in case".

All-in-all it was the friggin' pill. I got off the pill and ALL MY BATHROOM ISSUES WENT AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now that I'm back on the pill (last pill February 28) I'm having the same problems. I will NEVER take the pill again after this.