Nerves are getting the best of me.

I'm nervous. This wait is killing me.

I can't help but think the worst. How do I prepare for the worst? How do I bounce back from this if it isn't positive?

I find myself just laying around in my own thoughts...worrying and freakin' out a bit.

Honestly at this very moment nearly every friend of mine is pregnant. Well, maybe that's an overgeneralization but a lot of them are. My childhood best friend is 8 weeks pregnant, a friend of mine who went through IVF also just found out she is pregnant (yesterday). It's like a slow and painful papercut.

I need the levee to break...

I feel so depressed still. I know the nurse said I'll begin to feel better as the meds get out of my system, but I just need some semblance of relief. Feeling like I'm going to cry all the time is no way to live my life -- at any point. I'm angry too...SO angry for no real tangible reason.

I'm also feeling cabin fever -- I need to get out of this house. I need to go somewhere and just GO. I think I'll take a long drive today. Where to? I don't even know yet...just as long as I keep driving.

There's this place in Vernon, CT that I used to go to when I felt "blah" called Henry Park. It is this thing that looks like a castle that overlooks about 6 towns. You can see so far when it's daylight outside. I went there a lot in High School partially because I went to school 10 minutes from there, and partially because I needed to get that sense of peace in my life. At any rate -- who knows where I'll drive to today...or if I'll even get off this fucking couch.

No sex in the champagne room...or anywhere. No seriously, don't touch me.

As most of you know because I've posted updates via YouTube -- I've been down in the dumps. For the past 2 weeks I've felt nothing but depression, sadness and just plain "blah" with intermittent parts of happiness here and there. The nurse had told me this would happen, but I wasn't to sure on the extent of the depression. I'll tell ya', I would cry at the drop of a hat (never in public) and I want nothing more than to just stay at home and eat and be sad. Thinking that it was the stresses of this journey getting to me -- I'd play along. I'd stick it out.

I called my doctor's office and left a message on the IVF team's voicemail. I asked the nurse to call me back because I had something personal that I was having an issue with and didn't want to leave a voicemail about it. So, Marcia the nurse, called me back later that day. Thankfully I was in my office so I could take the call immediately. I told her my issue and she said "Oh, it's the birth control pills! You're on something called a "mono-phasic" dose as opposed to the normal "tri-phasic" dose that you'd get if you were taking it regularly." She went on to say "You'll feel depressed, cry at any moment, and have no libido." The libido thing was honestly the reason I was calling LOL.

I can't stand the thought of sex. I can't stand the word sex. I don't want to be touched, kissed, or even thought of sexually. Chris is really supportive but he is so fucking sensitive that it drives me up a damn wall sometimes!!! With this it just makes me insane!! We had a long talk 3 nights ago (that prompted the call to my doctor the next day) about why we weren't having sex. Now, it's not that I haven't tried to be interested!! Hell, I've even tried to start my OWN goddamn engine but it's just dead in the water right now. Nada. Zilch. ZERO libido!!! ::sigh::

But, all-in-all the decision was to stop my pill a day early.........ya' that's all the relief I could be offered. I was hoping for some Zanex LMFAO!!! No dice. So, that's cool with me I guess. After tonight I only have 1 more pill to pop and I'm done! Either I'll begin the meds on Thursday or CD2 -- whichever comes first.

Send me some good AF vibes ladies! I need 'em!!!